September 10th, 2010. He said he was falling in love with me. How could this be. I ask myself and I wonder if this is possible. I have been wanting to meet him for the past 9 months and it seems as though the time to meet him might be approaching sooner than I had expected.
I almost lost interest, well no. I wouldn't say I lost interest, but I started to become hopeless in the idea of actually meeting the Parole Officer one day. I have been talkign to him for 9 months now and he refuses to meet up with me when we live in the same town and all.
I know a lot of women must think I'm quite the fool for continuing this "relationship" I have with the Parole Officer, but other women don't know what I do and they dont feel what I do. I never really had this heart/gut feeling about a guy like I do with him. Maybe it's because he seems like my true prince charming and I fall into that fairytale of a dream, being swept off my feet by this wonderful guy and build a life with. But then I step back into reality and realise how scared I am.
I have already been in two relationships. One lated 2 1/2 years and the other 3 years. At one point I realised I didnt' see the rest of my life with either one of my exes, and well...they became just that. I try to look back on my relationships and I feel nothing for my exes. My first ex, Victor I have a lot of love for, and he's like a shoulder to cry on and a good friend and nothing more. He really loved me and I loved him but he just wasn't the man of my dreams and therefore we split. Roger, I dont know what the hell I was thinking when I was with him. I changed so much for him and although I dont have regrets, I really really dont understand why I put up with him for 3 years. I was truly blinded by him. Although we ended the relationship on good terms, I really dont care talking to him, following up, or just having anything to do with him. He was a phony. A total fake. A fraud. And for that, I feel this annoying feeling toward him. I get annoyed at myself for even allowing myself to have been with him for so long. Anyway...that's all said and done. I guess my point here is, and what I'm trying to say is I've never been in love.
Well, yes. I have been. I've only been in love once, and that was with my frist boyfriend ever. He truly swept me off my feet and I do got lots of love for him today. We still talk, communicate, and hook up from time to time for coffee and chit chat. Nothing more. He's married, he knows all about my ex's and my flings and he's never been one to judge me. I know he loves me just like I love him and it's a beautiful friendship we have. Sometimes I wonder if he's my soulmate and if we'll end up together in another lifetime since we didn't make it together in this one. Although it is to soon to say we didn't make it together, becasause for all I know, we can hook up 20 years from now. This life is crazy.
Anyway. I've never loved a guy the way I loved Noe. And I'm not trying to make comparisons here, but I've never felt a love and pain for a guy the way I did for him.
I want to feel that again. I want to be swept off my feet by a guy. I want to have a beautiful loving relationshop. I want to fall in love and stay in love and fall in love all over again with the same guy. I want to feel that fire, those butterflies, and passion. I dont want it to be temporary, and I dont want it to go away once you end up living together. I really want to love and be loved. I want to feel appreciated by a man and I want to know what it feels like to be truly loved and not just LOVE somebody.
I told myself this time I'd do everything so different. I've moved in with my two ex boyfriends too quick into the relationship and maybe that's why they ended fast too. I tell myself this time I'm going to take it super slow. I'm really going to let myself be known and get to know somebody. I'm going to question if it's actually someone I continue seeing myself with and if not, then move on. I dont want to waste anyone's time or mine. I want to know what it feels like to just KNOW you want to be with someone for the rest of your life and I want to know what the thought of living without someone in your life feels like. I want to feel that certainty of not seeing myself with anyone else but that one guy.
I know this is crazy, but sometimes I feel like the Parole Officer just might be that guy. He said he's falling for me, and until he told me that did I begin to feel nervous. I have been trying to meet this guy for so long and he finally tells me he's falling for me. I'm scared. I know I'm going to take the risk, meet him eventually and see where things go, but in general...I'm scared. I dont want to be in and out of relationshiops my whole life. I want to marry someone one day, have kids, and settle down, and build a future and a family with someone I know loves me for me and wont ever leave me, cheat on me. I just want someone to respect me like I will respect them.
Sometimes I am afraid that I'm the one that doesn't know how to love. Sometimes I wonder if all my life I'll be in and out of relationships and if I'll keep falling out of love with guys. I wonder and wonder all the more and then I tell myself, I'll keep falling out of love with them until the right guy comes along who'll make me fall in love all over again.
I wonder what will be of the Parole Officer. He truly seems like Prince Charming and I'm his Cinderella.
For now, I'll end it here...but I have so much on my mind and need to let it out.
About Me
Monday, September 13, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Mr. Hitman
My my my Mr. Hitman...you sure are one hit! I woke up with the biggest smile on my face this morning and as I type I can't help but shake my head (smh) and just smile from ear to ear. I'm smiling so damn hard my eyes begin to water and my cheeckbones begin to hurt!
Wow...I'm starstruck.
Oh Lizzy! I can't help but think of you each time :)
Wow...I'm starstruck.
Oh Lizzy! I can't help but think of you each time :)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Parole Officer
So after 8 1/2 long months I finally came to the conclusion that I've been wasting my time on this guy and for what? Nothing. I can't completely say I wasted my time because I never fully devoted myself to this guy but somewhere in my mind I allowed my head to stay in the clouds with this one.
Yesterday, I asked him to take a chance on me so we can meet and get to know each other in person and he said No. I can't begin to explain just how I felt. My ego was shattered. I felt as I had my heart broken yet I'm not in love.
All this time I told myself he was too good to be true, and that he was just too good for me. I know I'm not supposed to ever place anyone above me but he was truly my prince charming. He had it all. I began to feel like he wasn't for me after I got to know him better. He's the type of guy that was brought up in a good home and had a nice living growing up where I on the other hand, grew up poor and even lived in a car at one point in my life.
I'd often tell him we were from two different worlds. I was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up humble and poor and he was raised in a good home and had a nice up bringing. Prom King at his school, water polo and football jockey too. And me, getting kicked out of High SChools and barely even completing my education. Although I do not regret my upbrining and am not ashamed to say how I grew up and how broke my family was, I tend to feel intimidated by men who had a better upbringing than I did. Now I'm not saying they are better than me, I'm just saying I find it intimidating from a personal perspective on how to react or interact with these poeple.
This whole time I'm talking to him I'm beginning to feel emotions for him and grow feelings for a guy I've never even met. We're from the same town, and for all I know could possibly bump into him in a store or on the street someday and won't even know it. He said I had a lot of qualities he liked and that I wasn't like other girls and that he liked me, yet he never took a chance to get to know me and today I beleive he never will. He'll always remian a fairytale fantasy and I'll continue to be the hopeless romantic I am today.
All this time I'm thinking I'm Cinderella and he's my prince. Well Cinderella hasn't found her prince yet, but I'm not going to settle either. He's the true epiphany of the man I want. He's educated, has a career established, no kids, open minded, funny, smart & dumb (my kind of funnY) and doesn't let me have my way which I hate and love at the same time. I hate it because if it was upto me, I would have met him a long time ago, but since it's not upto me I probably never wil meet him now.
Yesterday we kind of got into it. I swear everytime we argue or dont agree on something it feels as though I'm having an argument with a boyfriend and I hate it. I just told him to give me strait answers. I've been talking to him for 8 months and I just wanted to know if I should get my head out of the clouds because I felt I was just being strung along and I just needed to know where he stood. Well, he said the way it was, was working for him fine and if it didn't work for me then I could move on because he didn't want to waste my time.
Wow.
Really?
Okay. So after a big let down, I figured maybe Hitman came into my life at the perfect moment. I feel heart broken over a guy I have never even met, and now the only way I know to releive that heartache (or dissapointment) is by distracting myself with another guy and what better guy than Hitman?
Their's a spanish saying "Un clavo saca a otro clavo." Basically it translates to "one nail, takes out another" and what that means is since The Parole officer is nailed in deep, the only way to get him out from under is by tapping him out with another nail. That nail being Hitman. Now I know it's not the right thing to do. Trying to get over one guy with another is probably the worst thing to do because I'm setting Hitman up for failure, but right now...it seems like the only thing I can do to really get the Parole Officer out of my mind and maybe rid these ridiculous emotions I managed to somehow work up inside for this beautiful stranger.
Now the question is what to do. The Parole Officer pretty much left the ball on my court and said it was upto me to continue talking. Now I'm not going to completely rid him from my life, I already did that mistake a few months ago and I felt horrible. I will defintely give myself some time and maybe just keep a little distance and possibly continue talking but now I knwo where I stand with him and I'm not letting or allowing myself to work up any further emotion for him. It is what it is and that is that. I'm going to live my life, focus on school, continue dating and enjoy myself and not hold back on others for him. In the end, I dont want to end up like this old hag waiting on him...
Yesterday, I asked him to take a chance on me so we can meet and get to know each other in person and he said No. I can't begin to explain just how I felt. My ego was shattered. I felt as I had my heart broken yet I'm not in love.
All this time I told myself he was too good to be true, and that he was just too good for me. I know I'm not supposed to ever place anyone above me but he was truly my prince charming. He had it all. I began to feel like he wasn't for me after I got to know him better. He's the type of guy that was brought up in a good home and had a nice living growing up where I on the other hand, grew up poor and even lived in a car at one point in my life.
I'd often tell him we were from two different worlds. I was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up humble and poor and he was raised in a good home and had a nice up bringing. Prom King at his school, water polo and football jockey too. And me, getting kicked out of High SChools and barely even completing my education. Although I do not regret my upbrining and am not ashamed to say how I grew up and how broke my family was, I tend to feel intimidated by men who had a better upbringing than I did. Now I'm not saying they are better than me, I'm just saying I find it intimidating from a personal perspective on how to react or interact with these poeple.
This whole time I'm talking to him I'm beginning to feel emotions for him and grow feelings for a guy I've never even met. We're from the same town, and for all I know could possibly bump into him in a store or on the street someday and won't even know it. He said I had a lot of qualities he liked and that I wasn't like other girls and that he liked me, yet he never took a chance to get to know me and today I beleive he never will. He'll always remian a fairytale fantasy and I'll continue to be the hopeless romantic I am today.
All this time I'm thinking I'm Cinderella and he's my prince. Well Cinderella hasn't found her prince yet, but I'm not going to settle either. He's the true epiphany of the man I want. He's educated, has a career established, no kids, open minded, funny, smart & dumb (my kind of funnY) and doesn't let me have my way which I hate and love at the same time. I hate it because if it was upto me, I would have met him a long time ago, but since it's not upto me I probably never wil meet him now.
Yesterday we kind of got into it. I swear everytime we argue or dont agree on something it feels as though I'm having an argument with a boyfriend and I hate it. I just told him to give me strait answers. I've been talking to him for 8 months and I just wanted to know if I should get my head out of the clouds because I felt I was just being strung along and I just needed to know where he stood. Well, he said the way it was, was working for him fine and if it didn't work for me then I could move on because he didn't want to waste my time.
Wow.
Really?
Okay. So after a big let down, I figured maybe Hitman came into my life at the perfect moment. I feel heart broken over a guy I have never even met, and now the only way I know to releive that heartache (or dissapointment) is by distracting myself with another guy and what better guy than Hitman?
Their's a spanish saying "Un clavo saca a otro clavo." Basically it translates to "one nail, takes out another" and what that means is since The Parole officer is nailed in deep, the only way to get him out from under is by tapping him out with another nail. That nail being Hitman. Now I know it's not the right thing to do. Trying to get over one guy with another is probably the worst thing to do because I'm setting Hitman up for failure, but right now...it seems like the only thing I can do to really get the Parole Officer out of my mind and maybe rid these ridiculous emotions I managed to somehow work up inside for this beautiful stranger.
Now the question is what to do. The Parole Officer pretty much left the ball on my court and said it was upto me to continue talking. Now I'm not going to completely rid him from my life, I already did that mistake a few months ago and I felt horrible. I will defintely give myself some time and maybe just keep a little distance and possibly continue talking but now I knwo where I stand with him and I'm not letting or allowing myself to work up any further emotion for him. It is what it is and that is that. I'm going to live my life, focus on school, continue dating and enjoy myself and not hold back on others for him. In the end, I dont want to end up like this old hag waiting on him...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Men of My Life
The Parole Officer-I met him online in January on a mobile communications site. I talk to him day in and day out. It feels as though we're together and yet we're not. We're from the same town, same everything yet we havn't met. To many, it may seem he's hiding something, he's probably married, but he's not. He's just been hurt before and he's very gaurded with his heart. Totally understandable. He's like my prince charming, my knight in shining armor. He seems like he's the whole package yet I have yet to meet him. I've told him to fuck off twice already, I been talking to him for almost 8 months now and nothing, not even a phone conversation. I tell myself I'm a fool for this one, yet something in my heart tells me he's different and that I should see where this goes. So far, no where. But I have gotten to know him, and I like him. I really do. I know we will meet one day, I just hope he doesn't keep me waiting too long.
Fantasy Lover: Literally. I've known him since I was 19. The first time I saw him I said "oh my, who's this, I need to talk to him." I didn't know if he liked me or if I was even someone he might be interested in and to my surprise, later he tells me he had his eyes on me for a whole year before I even noticed him! Crazy ain't it. I met him when I worked in Human Resources. He broke a copier machine we had and he just stood there watch me trying to fix it. He just stared and stared and I was quite the nervous wreck because he wasn't helping he just kinda waited to see if I'd fix the damn machine. Anyway, when I finally fixed it, I let him know he better not break it again lol. Later after he left the office, I was trying to come up with ways on how to approach this guy but was scared because I worked in HR and if I hit on him and he didn't like me or felt I came on too strong or even said I hit on him, my ass would be fired in a heart beat! Anyway, I stared at my computer screen coming up with an email that wasn't obvious I was intrigued, I remember making a ajoke and to my surprise he responded. And we went on from there. After we hooked up and went on a few dates, is when he tells me he's had his eye on me for a whole year. He said to me, we'd cross paths and that I never even noticed he was alive! How sad is that!! I'm crazy about a guy who said had his eyes on me for a whole year and I didn't even notice him!! Anyway...he's been my fantasy lover since...and you will know why in due time.
Afghan Lover - Tall dark and handsome. Educated, career oriented and oriental! I met him right after my breakup with Roger. He's a friend with benefits, a fling and nothing more. He gave me what I wanted and still was a friend with no strong feelings of love or affection I needed to worry about. Well not until a few weeks ago. Tony and I had an agreement when we first met. I told him I wanted nothing serious, I just wanted to enjoy myself and date and have a good time. He said he wanted the same thing. We'd date, go out, watch moveis, have dinner and what not and give each other company and learn and talk about our different backrounds and what not. Lately, he's been talking about how he "loves me" and that threw me off by surprise. He then began to demand I drop plans just to spend time with him and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to drop my plans for you! That wasn't the agreement. The agreement was we got together when our agendas were open and we had time to see each other, not when he wanted or when I felt like it either. I've already dropped friiends in the past for men and it's not worth it, and for him being "just a friend" defintely defintely not worth it. He got mad...and it's been kinda iffy since then. Havn't really heard much from him, but I know he'll come around eventually, but right now I'm still on my high horse and I'm not ready to come off just yet.
Mr. Hitman: Oh my, Mr. Hitman was a hit indeed. Just thinking of him makes me melt lol. I sound like such a whore lol but I'm not so it's all good lol. Anyway, Mr. Hitman is probably the youngest, no wait...IS the youngest guy I've probably EVER dated. He's 25. He looks like he could be my bodygaurd and I've never had someoene make me feel so small! And trust me, theres nothing small about me! lol (well maybe just my toes) lol. Anyway, he has Hazel-green eyes, a smile that will drive you crazy and make you forget all the things you were once ever mad about, eyes that stare deep penetrating your mind and just make you shy away! And his hands...his hands are so big! (I love big hands) and they feel so good around my waist (makes me feel I have a tiny waist) which I dont! but it's the thought that counts lol. He's very tall, 6'3. 1/2 Italian and 1/2 German and he's pretty mellow and down to earth. Super sweet and great kisser! lol. The only downside to Mr. Hitman is that he smokes and I'm not a fan of smokers! So that could be a problem. For now...I'm still getting to know him
Fantasy Lover: Literally. I've known him since I was 19. The first time I saw him I said "oh my, who's this, I need to talk to him." I didn't know if he liked me or if I was even someone he might be interested in and to my surprise, later he tells me he had his eyes on me for a whole year before I even noticed him! Crazy ain't it. I met him when I worked in Human Resources. He broke a copier machine we had and he just stood there watch me trying to fix it. He just stared and stared and I was quite the nervous wreck because he wasn't helping he just kinda waited to see if I'd fix the damn machine. Anyway, when I finally fixed it, I let him know he better not break it again lol. Later after he left the office, I was trying to come up with ways on how to approach this guy but was scared because I worked in HR and if I hit on him and he didn't like me or felt I came on too strong or even said I hit on him, my ass would be fired in a heart beat! Anyway, I stared at my computer screen coming up with an email that wasn't obvious I was intrigued, I remember making a ajoke and to my surprise he responded. And we went on from there. After we hooked up and went on a few dates, is when he tells me he's had his eye on me for a whole year. He said to me, we'd cross paths and that I never even noticed he was alive! How sad is that!! I'm crazy about a guy who said had his eyes on me for a whole year and I didn't even notice him!! Anyway...he's been my fantasy lover since...and you will know why in due time.
Afghan Lover - Tall dark and handsome. Educated, career oriented and oriental! I met him right after my breakup with Roger. He's a friend with benefits, a fling and nothing more. He gave me what I wanted and still was a friend with no strong feelings of love or affection I needed to worry about. Well not until a few weeks ago. Tony and I had an agreement when we first met. I told him I wanted nothing serious, I just wanted to enjoy myself and date and have a good time. He said he wanted the same thing. We'd date, go out, watch moveis, have dinner and what not and give each other company and learn and talk about our different backrounds and what not. Lately, he's been talking about how he "loves me" and that threw me off by surprise. He then began to demand I drop plans just to spend time with him and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to drop my plans for you! That wasn't the agreement. The agreement was we got together when our agendas were open and we had time to see each other, not when he wanted or when I felt like it either. I've already dropped friiends in the past for men and it's not worth it, and for him being "just a friend" defintely defintely not worth it. He got mad...and it's been kinda iffy since then. Havn't really heard much from him, but I know he'll come around eventually, but right now I'm still on my high horse and I'm not ready to come off just yet.
Mr. Hitman: Oh my, Mr. Hitman was a hit indeed. Just thinking of him makes me melt lol. I sound like such a whore lol but I'm not so it's all good lol. Anyway, Mr. Hitman is probably the youngest, no wait...IS the youngest guy I've probably EVER dated. He's 25. He looks like he could be my bodygaurd and I've never had someoene make me feel so small! And trust me, theres nothing small about me! lol (well maybe just my toes) lol. Anyway, he has Hazel-green eyes, a smile that will drive you crazy and make you forget all the things you were once ever mad about, eyes that stare deep penetrating your mind and just make you shy away! And his hands...his hands are so big! (I love big hands) and they feel so good around my waist (makes me feel I have a tiny waist) which I dont! but it's the thought that counts lol. He's very tall, 6'3. 1/2 Italian and 1/2 German and he's pretty mellow and down to earth. Super sweet and great kisser! lol. The only downside to Mr. Hitman is that he smokes and I'm not a fan of smokers! So that could be a problem. For now...I'm still getting to know him
My Love Life
Monday, September 6th will mark a one year anniversary for which I have been single and independant! I can't beleive it's been a year since I decided to walk away from a relationship in which I found myself miserable and unhappy! I've never in my life been single this long and although at first the thought scared me, today I feel awesome. I've been single for a year and it feels great. I truly dont feel as though I need a man in my life, although from time to time it's natural I feel lonely. Then I think about all the BS I put up with being in a relationship that I convince myself I RATHER be lonely than put up with someone else's BS lol.
I've had my share of dates since I've been single. I am defintely not looking for anything serious but I'm not shutting myself out of love or will I deny myself the opportunity for something to happen if it feels right. I have been hurt in the past, that's a given. But I'm not going to let my past define my future. Since I've broken up with Roger, I've had my share of romantic encounters all of which I still stay in touch with today!
Now a lot of people talk about "friends with benefits" and how they can't "sleep around" or they can only be in a "long-term" relationship to be intimate with someone. I can't say I'm like that. I'm the type of girl that I like to get to know someone before I lay in bed with them. Doesn't quite mean I have to be in a relationship or "serious" with them, I just like to know who I'm getting involved with, and we have to be on the same page at all times. Now this doens't mean I'm sleeping with everyone I meet either! Don't get it twisted and dont get ahead of yourself either and most importantly, don't be so quick to judge.
I'm very open and honest. I'm straight forward and I dont like beating around the bush. It's much easier speaking the truth than keeping up with lies. I'm the same way with men. I'm very straight forward about my interests and what I'm looking for. I'm not going to settle for less, and if the guy I'm dating doesn't have what I'm looking for or we dont click up in a way I like, my friendship is always open to them, and they will know theirs no love potential and we move on from there. Some men like Mike, decide to kick my ass to the curve because they can't have a "friend" they are in-like with so to them, it's easier to keep distance and I totally respect that.
So with that said, I will be introducing new posts that will talk about my "love life" or my "romantic encounters" or dates I go on. I will also speak on my previous relationships and experiences those relationships have given me.
For now, I will tell you I've been talking to this guy, we'll call him "the parole officer." I've been talking to him since January and I have yet to meet him. I'll give you the details about him in a separate post. I just recently met another guy, his name is Colby and he looks like a younger version of "The Hitman." Oh my, he is sexy lol. And...then theres Jorge...oh em gee. This guy...just takes my breath away...and I've had this crazy infatuation with him since I was 18...now that's a story all on it's own. And finally theirs Tony, whom we'll call my "Afghan Lover." I met Tony in October of last year and you can say he's my "good friend"...yea you know, the type with benefits...although, I did have to tell him to kick rocks earlier this month because he was getting to demanding for being just a friend! So we'll see how that works out, anyway, defintley not looking for anything serious there, he's just a fun guy to hang out with if you know what I mean.
And if you've read this far, I invite you to check out another blog I created abot 2 years ago. It was private for a long time and I decided I need to do more creative writing so if you are interested, check it out. The links are througout the blog, if you're interested I'm sure you will find them all on your own :)
I've had my share of dates since I've been single. I am defintely not looking for anything serious but I'm not shutting myself out of love or will I deny myself the opportunity for something to happen if it feels right. I have been hurt in the past, that's a given. But I'm not going to let my past define my future. Since I've broken up with Roger, I've had my share of romantic encounters all of which I still stay in touch with today!
Now a lot of people talk about "friends with benefits" and how they can't "sleep around" or they can only be in a "long-term" relationship to be intimate with someone. I can't say I'm like that. I'm the type of girl that I like to get to know someone before I lay in bed with them. Doesn't quite mean I have to be in a relationship or "serious" with them, I just like to know who I'm getting involved with, and we have to be on the same page at all times. Now this doens't mean I'm sleeping with everyone I meet either! Don't get it twisted and dont get ahead of yourself either and most importantly, don't be so quick to judge.
I'm very open and honest. I'm straight forward and I dont like beating around the bush. It's much easier speaking the truth than keeping up with lies. I'm the same way with men. I'm very straight forward about my interests and what I'm looking for. I'm not going to settle for less, and if the guy I'm dating doesn't have what I'm looking for or we dont click up in a way I like, my friendship is always open to them, and they will know theirs no love potential and we move on from there. Some men like Mike, decide to kick my ass to the curve because they can't have a "friend" they are in-like with so to them, it's easier to keep distance and I totally respect that.
So with that said, I will be introducing new posts that will talk about my "love life" or my "romantic encounters" or dates I go on. I will also speak on my previous relationships and experiences those relationships have given me.
For now, I will tell you I've been talking to this guy, we'll call him "the parole officer." I've been talking to him since January and I have yet to meet him. I'll give you the details about him in a separate post. I just recently met another guy, his name is Colby and he looks like a younger version of "The Hitman." Oh my, he is sexy lol. And...then theres Jorge...oh em gee. This guy...just takes my breath away...and I've had this crazy infatuation with him since I was 18...now that's a story all on it's own. And finally theirs Tony, whom we'll call my "Afghan Lover." I met Tony in October of last year and you can say he's my "good friend"...yea you know, the type with benefits...although, I did have to tell him to kick rocks earlier this month because he was getting to demanding for being just a friend! So we'll see how that works out, anyway, defintley not looking for anything serious there, he's just a fun guy to hang out with if you know what I mean.
And if you've read this far, I invite you to check out another blog I created abot 2 years ago. It was private for a long time and I decided I need to do more creative writing so if you are interested, check it out. The links are througout the blog, if you're interested I'm sure you will find them all on your own :)
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