Rihanna - Only Girl

So I'm here listening to Rihanna's "Only Girl" again...after writing a big ass blog only to hit "save" and piece of shit slaps me with "please sign in to continue" and therefore I lose it all!! Aint that a fuckn bitch!

I'm super mad right now. I've been having a shitty ass day and now this. Seems like my day is just getting worst by the minute. And now this song is having me want to pull my hair and run on the beach. I guess I'm at that stage of my wonderful single life where I'm just longing to be with somebody (or maybe Its signs of my period) and that's why I'm such an emotional wreck.  But it's funny how, I've been in relationships and I wish I was single and now I'm single and I want a relationship....or not necessarily a relationship...but real love..duh...which evolves from friendship into something more special which then leads to a relationship. I know this time I am not going to settle and that is why I am happy to be single. Life is much easier being on your own. You dont have to worry about giving anyone explanations of anything and you only rely on yourself to make it or break it. So until the right guy comes along, I'm going to enjoy  my single life (and the dating too). I did mention I was quite the dating whore right....hey what can I say, theirs plenty of fish in the sea, so might as well taste a few before you can really stick with one you call a favorite, wouldn't you agree? lol

I listen to this song and I think of him. Seriously, this is my anthem song right now. The lyrics are on point with what I feel and how I wish I could be that girl!!

I'm pretty aggravated at this point. I love and hate this song. Love it because what girl doesn't want to be the only girl for a guy. What girl doesn't wish she had a man that she knew only had eyes for her and didn't even think of being with another girl. What girl doesn't want that reassurance of having a man she can really say is hers and she his. I know I do. What girl doesn't want to have that control over a guy, make him swallow his pride, just as much as he'd do to her. To live your life with that piece of mind knowing you're the only one...must be really nice.

But what if you aren't the only girl. What if there are plenty others. Then ur probably one hating ass bitch right now. I know I am too. lol See, that's why I love and hate this song. I hate it because I'm not the only girl. I wish I was though. I wish I could be. I want to know what being the only girl feels like. Wouldn't you?  Ur probably hating too because you want to be the only girl you get frustrated and you feel you aint that girl and maybe you are just wasting your time, yet you hold on because you want to see if you could be that girl!

Damn it!! I "just want you to make me feel like Im the only girl in the world, like I"m the only one you'll EVER love, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, like I'm the only one who's in command, cuz i'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man" damn it!! seriously, like wow Rihanna, you hit home with that one. And the beat! I feel like having a few shots of tequila and just sit back in a dark room in a lounge somewhere, enjoy a drink and listen to this song and just fantasize and dream and stick my head up in the clouds where it will probably remain till I meet the man I'd become the only girl to.

I think I'm at this point in my single life where I'm starting to long for someone (or maybe I'm just about to get my period or something) cuz I'm an emotional wreck lately.

I love and I hate it because as the song plays, my head is up in the clouds with this illusion, this make beleive fantasy guy then once u know the song is over...(sigh)...back to reality...ur alone =) and hating the song for making u want what you dont have...YET.

 I want to meet the guy who I'd be the only girl to. I want him to take me like a thief in the night, hold me like a pillow and make me feel right. I'll tell him I'll my secrets and let him come inside, want him to make me feel like I'm the only girl...or maybe I just want to find the only guy I wont want anyone else over. Yea...that's it too.

[VERSE 1:]
I want you to love me, like I'm a hot guy
Keep thinkin' of me, doin' what you like
So boy forget about the world cuz it's gon' be me and you tonight
I wanna make your bed for ya, then Imma make you swallow your pride

[CHORUS:]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only one...

[VERSE 2:]
Want you to take me like a thief in the night
Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right
Baby I'll tell you all my secrets that I'm keepin', you can come inside
And when you enter, you ain't leavin', be my prisoner for the night

[CHORUS:]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only one...

[BRIDGE:]
Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Oh make it last all night
Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Make it last all night

[CHORUS:]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
Cuz I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the world...
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the wolrd

This song really hit home!

So Ladies....if you have this...I'M HATING ON YOU! lol j/k...
If you ahve this at home, take care of it, and let him know ur the only girl too because a lot of women have good men and dont even take care of them then when he leaves ur bitchy ass for a girl who truly appreciates it, then you want him back...Kinda like how men dog girls...girls do the same dirty shady shit! So take care of your man you hooch's! Cuz just like women get fed up with men, men do too!

YOUTUBE/GOOGLE SUPPORT FAIL

GOOGLE, all I want is for you to give me access to the channel I own! Please!!!


So as I mentioned in my new channel how I no longer have access to my original Youtube Channel I have tried countless times to reset my password, I have searched through forums of help and nothing happens. My problem can't be resolved.

I got an email saying they can't verify I won the channel and therefore can't give me the information.  What I dont understand is why suddently I'm in my channel one day and the next day I can't log in. I just want my channel back. That's all. Is that so hard?? The help support center for Youtube and google sucks! They give you the run around and you can't even describe your problem and the options they give you suck! They dont help at all.

Now my videos will be on YT forever and I can't even go back and delete the account if I wanted. I have my group on there, all my subscribers and everything. I even got an email this morning for partner! lol Ain't that a bitch! I could defintely use some extra change in my pocket cuz I'm a broke student living paycheck to paycheck and times are tough!! But I can't even do that now :(

Anyway...this sucks.

Here's what google says:

Thank you for your report. We've completed our investigation and cannot

return your account at this time. We were unable to verify that you own
this account based on the information you provided.

If you can provide additional information to verify that you own this
account, please visit
http://www.google.com/support/accounts/bin/request.py?ara=1 and submit
another report. Whether we can return access to this account depends on
the strength and accuracy of your responses, so be sure to provide as much
information as possible. If you're unsure about specific dates or
information, provide your best guess.

BOOOOOO!

He said he's falling for me

September 10th, 2010. He said he was falling in love with me. How could this be. I ask myself and I wonder if this is possible. I have been wanting to meet him for the past 9 months and it seems as though the time to meet him might be approaching sooner than I had expected.

I almost lost interest, well no. I wouldn't say I lost interest, but I started to become hopeless in the idea of actually  meeting the Parole Officer one day. I have been talkign to him for 9 months now and he refuses to meet up with me when we live in the same town and all.

I know a lot of women must think I'm quite the fool for continuing this "relationship" I have with the Parole Officer, but other women don't know what I do and they dont feel what I do. I never really had this heart/gut feeling about a guy like I do with him. Maybe it's because he seems like my true prince charming and I fall into that fairytale of a dream, being swept off my feet by this wonderful guy and build a life with. But then I step  back into reality and realise how scared I am.

I have already been in two relationships. One lated 2 1/2 years and the other 3 years. At one point I realised I didnt' see the rest of my life with either one of my exes, and well...they became just that. I try to look back on my relationships and I feel nothing for my exes. My first ex, Victor I have a lot of love for, and he's like a shoulder to cry on and a good friend and nothing more. He really loved me and I loved him but he just wasn't the man of my dreams and therefore we split. Roger, I dont know what the hell I was thinking when I was with him. I changed so much for him and although I dont have regrets, I really really dont understand why I put up with him for 3 years. I was truly blinded by him. Although we ended the relationship on good terms, I really dont care talking to him, following up, or just having anything to do with him. He was a phony. A total fake. A fraud. And for that, I feel this annoying feeling toward him. I get annoyed at myself for even allowing myself to have been with him for so long. Anyway...that's all said and done. I guess my point here is, and what I'm trying to say is I've never been in love.

Well, yes. I have been. I've only been in love once, and that was with my frist boyfriend ever. He truly swept me off my feet and I do got lots of love for him today. We still talk, communicate, and hook up from time to time for coffee and chit chat. Nothing more. He's married, he knows all about my ex's and my flings and he's never been one to judge me. I know he loves me just like I love him and it's a beautiful friendship we have.  Sometimes I wonder if he's my soulmate and if we'll end up together in another lifetime since we didn't make it together in this one. Although it is to soon to say we didn't make it together, becasause for all I know, we can hook up 20 years from now. This life is crazy.

Anyway. I've never loved a guy the way I loved Noe. And I'm not trying to make comparisons here, but I've never felt a love and pain for a guy the way I did for him.

I want to feel that again. I want to be swept off my feet by a guy. I want to have a beautiful loving relationshop. I want to fall in love and stay in love and fall in love all over again with the same guy. I want to feel that fire, those butterflies, and passion. I dont want it to be temporary, and I dont want it to go away once you end up living together. I really want to love and be loved. I want to feel appreciated by a man and I want to know what it feels like to be truly loved and not just LOVE somebody. 

I told myself this time I'd do everything so different. I've moved in with my two ex boyfriends too quick into the relationship and maybe that's why they ended fast too. I tell myself this time I'm going to take it super slow. I'm really going to let myself be known and get to know somebody.  I'm going to question if it's actually someone I continue seeing myself with and if not, then move on. I dont want to waste anyone's time or mine. I want to know what it feels like to just KNOW you want to be with someone for the rest of your life and I want to know what the thought of living without someone in your life feels like. I want to feel that certainty of not seeing myself with anyone else but that one guy.

I know this is crazy, but sometimes I feel like the Parole Officer just might be that guy.  He said he's falling for me, and until he told me that did I begin to feel nervous. I have been trying to meet this guy for so long and he finally tells me he's falling for me.  I'm scared. I know I'm going to take the risk, meet him eventually and see where things go, but in general...I'm scared. I dont want to be in and out of relationshiops my whole life. I want to marry someone one day, have kids, and settle down, and build a future and a family with someone I know loves me for me and wont ever leave me, cheat on me. I just want someone to respect me like I will respect them.

Sometimes I am afraid that I'm the one that doesn't know how to love. Sometimes I wonder if all my life I'll be in and out of relationships and if I'll keep falling out of love with guys. I wonder and wonder all the more and then I tell myself, I'll keep falling out of love with them until the right guy comes along who'll make me fall in love all over again.

I wonder what will be of the Parole Officer. He truly seems like Prince Charming and I'm his Cinderella.
For now, I'll end it here...but I have so much on my mind and need to let it out.

Mr. Hitman

My my my Mr. Hitman...you sure are one hit! I woke up with the biggest smile on my face this morning and as I type I can't help but shake my head (smh) and just smile from ear to ear.  I'm smiling so damn hard my eyes begin to water and my cheeckbones begin to hurt!

Wow...I'm starstruck.

Oh Lizzy! I can't help but think of you each time :)

The Parole Officer

So after 8 1/2 long months I finally came to the conclusion that I've been wasting my time on this guy and for what? Nothing. I can't completely say I wasted my time because I never fully devoted myself to this guy but somewhere in my mind I allowed my head to stay in the clouds with this one.

Yesterday, I asked him to take a chance on me so we can meet and get to know each other in person and he said No. I can't begin to explain just how I felt. My ego was shattered. I felt as I had my heart broken yet I'm not in love.

All this time I told myself he was too good to be true, and that he was just too good for me. I know I'm not supposed to ever place anyone above me but he was truly my prince charming. He had it all. I began to feel like he wasn't for me after I got to know him better. He's the type of guy that was brought up in a good home and had a nice living growing up where I on the other hand, grew up poor and even lived in a car at one point in my life.

I'd often tell him we were from two different worlds. I was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up humble and poor and he was raised in a good home and had a nice up bringing. Prom King at his school, water polo and football jockey too. And me, getting kicked out of High SChools and barely even completing my education. Although I do not regret my upbrining and am not ashamed to say how I grew up and how broke my family was, I tend to feel intimidated by men who had a better upbringing than I did. Now I'm not saying they are better than me, I'm just saying I find it intimidating from a personal perspective on how to react or interact with these poeple.

This whole time I'm talking to him I'm beginning to feel emotions for him and grow feelings for a guy I've never even met. We're from the same town, and for all I know could possibly bump into him in a store or on the street someday and won't even know it. He said I had a lot of qualities he liked and that I wasn't like other girls and that he liked me, yet he never took a chance to get to know me and today I beleive he never will. He'll always remian a fairytale fantasy and I'll continue to be the hopeless romantic I am today.

All this time I'm thinking I'm Cinderella and he's my prince. Well Cinderella hasn't found her prince yet, but I'm not going to settle either. He's the true epiphany of the man I want. He's educated, has a career established, no kids, open minded, funny, smart & dumb (my kind of funnY) and doesn't let me have my way which I hate and love at the same time. I hate it because if it was upto me, I would have met him a long time ago, but since it's not upto me I probably never wil meet him now.

Yesterday we kind of got into it. I swear everytime we argue or dont agree on something it feels as though I'm having an argument with a boyfriend and I hate it. I just told him to give me strait answers. I've been talking to him for 8 months and I just wanted to know if I should get my head out of the clouds because I felt I was just being strung along and I just needed to know where he stood. Well, he said the way it was, was working for him fine and if it didn't work for me then I could move on because he didn't want to waste my time.

Wow.

Really?

Okay. So after a big let down, I figured maybe Hitman came into my life at the perfect moment. I feel heart broken over a guy I have never even met, and now the only way I know to releive that heartache (or dissapointment) is by distracting myself with another guy and what better guy than Hitman?

Their's a spanish saying "Un clavo saca a otro clavo." Basically it translates to "one nail, takes out another" and what that means is since The Parole officer is nailed in deep, the only way to get him out from under is by tapping him out with another nail. That nail being Hitman. Now I know it's not the right thing to do. Trying to get over one guy with another is probably the worst thing to do because I'm setting Hitman up for failure, but right now...it seems like the only thing I can do to really get the Parole Officer out of my mind and maybe rid these ridiculous emotions I managed to somehow work up inside for this beautiful stranger.

Now the question is what to do. The Parole Officer pretty much left the ball on my court and said it was upto me to continue talking. Now I'm not going to completely rid him from my life, I already did that mistake a few months ago and I felt horrible. I will defintely give myself some time and maybe just keep a little distance and possibly continue talking but now I knwo where I stand with him and I'm not letting or allowing myself to work up any further emotion for him. It is what it is and that is that. I'm going to live my life, focus on school, continue dating and enjoy myself and not hold back on others for him. In the end, I dont want to end up like this old hag waiting on him...