Not Feeling Upto Much



I hate to say this but ever since I found out I am pregnant my self esteem and my energy took a plummet.  I do not have the energy to do anything or go anywhere.  There are days where I do not want to get out of bed and there are days when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch TV.  I feel so miserable and not up for anything.

I ended up dropping out of one of my classes this semester. And I have a paper due on Wednesday and an exam too.  None of which I am prepared for or have ready.  I don't even have the will to get them started.  I'm barely managing to write this blog because I'm so tired and would rather be sleeping.

So far there is nothing to like or be happy about my pregnancy.  There are days when I am happy and there are other days where I am feeling like today.  I'm overweight, pregnant, and will only keep blowing up.  This is terrible. 

I'm about 10 weeks pregnant now, and until today I really have no idea what morning sickness is really about.  Just this morning I was feeling a little nauseas while making breakfast. I had a sensation of wanting to throw up but then not really.  I hate throwing up!

My feet hurt all the time.  I bought a brand new pair of sheos this weekend and I want to return them now because they just make my feet hurt even more and they're supposed to be "comfort shoes".  I bought another pair of Puma's last night and I'm wanting to return those too because they're a 1/2 size too big and they are starting to hurt as well.

I'm debating on when I should tell upper management about my pregnancy because I'm afraid they'll cast judgement over me and that their behavior towards me will change.  I feel stressed.  I'm not feeling happy.

Unexpectedly Expecting

So much for Birth control...

I was on the Ring when suddenly my period didnt show up as expected after the removal of my ring.  I paid no mind to it and figured it was just something new.  I didn't find anything different in my body until I had a dream one night of a baby girl running through the hall of our apartment and meeting her daddy at the end who received her in open arms and carried her up high in the air. I found the dream extremely out there as I for one, never imagined myself a mother and never once had the desire to even have children of my own.  The a few nights later on my way to schoo from home I notice my nails are rather long and extremely strong. I found that quite odd because I hadn't been taking care of them and had such a hard time getting them to grow again.  That's when it hit me.  I began suspecting I was pregnant and the next morning I took an at home pregnancy test. 

It was around 7:30am when I took the test and saw vertical lines quickly emerge through the screen.  I couldn't beleive it.  I was pregnant.  Instantly I began to cry and felt my life was over.  How could this be? How could I be pregnant! I felt selfish.  I felt selfish at the idea that I was pregnant and was dreading over how my life was going to change and the responsibility I was NOT ready for. A responsibility and life changing event that I was defintely NOT planning toward or expecting.  I felt my life was a disaster and everything went down the drain. 

On my way to work I was tormenting myself on how selfish I had become and how ungrateful I was toward the idea of becoming a mom.  Surely, this pregnancy was not planned and I was not ready by any means but who ever really is ready to become a mother. No matter how much planning may go into a pregnancy, nobody truly ever is ready to become a mother for the first time.  I began to think how ungrateful I was being because of the many people who wish and desire to bear children and find it impossible to do so.  Ungrateful because I was receiving a blessing that many women can't bear have or hold or keep for one reason or another. 

After a day of silence I broke the news to my boyfriend Victor.  He was extremely happy and excited but feard that I would not want to keep this baby because I was not the "motherly type".  I felt guilty.  I didn't have thoughts of abortion but I sure was not happy at thet time I found out.  Victors reaction to the news made me feel a lot more comfortable and ready to take on this new journey because I would not be alone.   I grew up without a father and one thing I didn't want and don't wish is to raise a child without a father.  Mind you, I would if I had but my ideal behind motherhood so far is turning out the way I dreamed.  I have my boyfriends full support and he is currently more happy than I am.  I am slowly getting used to the idea of having a bun in the oven and the idea of watching it rise over time but he is extremely excited and happy. 

Breaking the news to my mom was my first priority.  Victor and I went to Target and bought some baby booties and wrapped them up in a gift and presented it to my mother.  It was funny and beautiful and exhilarating for me opening up to her about my pregnancy.  She was in her room watching novelas when I walked in and said I had a gift for her I didn't know how she would receive.  She responded by saying "Si es chocolate no lo quiero" ("if it's chocolate I dont want it!") I laughed and sat next to her and gave her her present.  She began inspecting it and then reached in and took out the tissue paper covered booties and felt them around until she said "shoes?" and I began tearing up and then she screamed "Baby SHOES, you're pregnant!" and I began Balling. She then said "You're pregnant" and I nodded and she let out a gippy "wooooo hooooooo!" to which I completely broke down in tears. It was beautiful and I still get teary eyed just remembering.  She truly was happy and I guess I was nervous  because I didn't know how she would take it.  I know I shouldn't have been nervous as she's been asking me for some time when I would give her a nephew. She told me not to be nervous that she would take care of me and help me with the baby and offer any advice and that I had nothing to worry about. She is extremely excited.

After breaking the news to my mom I slowly broke the news to my brothers and sisters. One by one, I let them know and finally decided to announce it on FB after notifying my immediate family of the news.  Everyone seems to be extrememly excited except me.

My doctor said it was normal for me not to be ecstatic about it as it was not planned nor was I one to ever have the idea of motherhood last more than a pair of seconds but that it will gradually change over time and I would become more accepting of it.  Today I feel a lot more confident about this baby than I did when I found out 2 weeks ago on Wednesday, November 9th.

My doctor gave me a due date of July 5th.  But my mom says it's more like July 1st lol. We shall see what this pregnancy journey is all about

The Rainbow at the End of a Storm

2 Months! It's been two months since my last post and have I been on and off one of the craziest rides in my life.  On August 31st I was robbed! My laptop stolen along with my college books and I felt as though my life was ripped from me.  I was super bummed.

My niece and nephew have been living with me since the beginning of August and it's been one hell of a ride.  My nice just turned 15 last Friday and I did her makeup! She looked like a princess and I took lots of pictures of her.

My nephew and niece have been really good and have been doing great in school. Maritza got 2 B's, 2A's, and a C. In my opinion thats excellent! She's to turn that C into a B by the end of her Freshman year.  She's in swimming and thespian club (Theatre), and Japan club which will take her to Japan by next Summer.

Juanito has been a little pulgita as my mom likes to call him (Flea). He's a little monkey in my eyes but he's doing very good as well.  He clearly understands English but his trouble comes when he has to speak and write it as he didn't practice it in Mexico but watching nothing but English cartoons hence why he lacks reading/literary comprehension.  He's been reading (not by choice) as I have to practically force him to sit down and read for about 30 minutes a day. He's truly a bright kid it's just getting him to sit down and do the work is the trouble but he does it nonetheless.  Once he's doing his work he makes it a challenge which is great because he doesn't feel like it's a duty and gets into it trying to perfect his math skills or reading comprehension. 

As for me, I'm taking phychology of human relations, intermediate algebra, and English 2 this semester. I'm loving all my classes.  I really enjoy  my Phychology and English class the most, but can't complain much about math either. Mr. Sword is an amazing teacher with lots of patience. And patience is what I need!

My boyfriend and I have been doing amazing.  He bought me a new macbook last night because he wanted me to be happy again or at least a little less stressed.  He is so good to me; treats me like royalty. Nothing less than what I deserve.  Although I've got a replaced MacBook I will never get back all those treasures I had on my old one :( .  Now I know to get a tracking app on my new Mac and also a backup drive just incase.  I am now able to do notes on my laptop as opposed to doing them by hand which can take me forever and a day and I can get back to doing some blogging and video making.  I stopped making videos because I didn't have anything to dowlload the media into or anything to edit the movies in, so no point.

I'll also be having another blog sale or YT sale. I'm getting rid of all my shoes, boots, and clothes that I no longer fit into :(  I've gained all my weight back and then some but it's all good. I'm happy and that's what counts.  I keep telling myself I'll start eating healthy tomorrow, but then tomorrow comes and it says the same about the next day lol. I'm not going to start eating or losing weight until I'm completely ready so I can commit because this losing and gaining of 5-10 lbs here and there is not good for my body or me.

Anyway, that's it for now...I'll catch up later...

Red Roses

Hey World!

What do red roses symbolize for you? For most, red roses would symbolize love and affection. Although I must agree this is the generalized characterization for red roses, my experience with them hasn't been the same.  My experience with red roses hasn't been the best and that has tarnished the way I feel about receving them.

My boyfriend Victor and I went dancing this weekend and while out he wanted to buy me some red roses.  I asked him not to because they were unnecessary.  He couldn't comprehend why I felt this way.  I explained to him that I did not need roses as a symbol of his love for me because his actions already said so. I also told him I rather be surprised with roses and receive them when they come from the heart not because I'm trying to be convinced of something.

I know they say it's not good to compare one relationship to another, but I feel I must for the sake of this example.  My previous relationship Roger, only gave me roses after our relationship had withered.  In the the three and a half years we spent together, Roger never in the time we were together gave me roses.  When he gave me roses at the end of our relationship I admit that a slight grudge against roses grew inside of me and towards Roger.  To me, receiving roses from him after our relationship had crumbled only symbolized that he was trying to mask the troubles with this sign of love and affection as if receiving red roses would make all our troubles go away.  They did not. Those roses only became a reminder of why our relationship did not work.

When Victor and I were togehter 5 years ago, receiving roses was a whole different story.  Victor lavished me with them, and I knew they truly symbolized what he felt at the time.  Today I don't find it necessary for him spending up towards one hundred dollars for a dozen or two of roses.  I know that he loves me and that's all I need.  I don't need something material to characterize it for me because his actions truly say it all for me.

Even though I did not allow him to buy me roses that night, I knew his intentions were pure and it made me happy that he understood and accepted my reasoning and in return gave me a smile instead. 

Red roses truly are a symbol of love and romance, of devotion and care, but when you receive them under the wrong circumstances, it is easy to become dissillusioned with what they truly symbolize.

Have you ever receieved roses under the wrong circumstances?

Movie Night FOTD: Zookeeper

Face: UD Complexion Primer Potion (pore minimizing), MAC NC40 Studio Fix (very light application w/stippling brush) over MAC Studio Moisture Tint in Dark, and set with UD De-Slick Mattifying Powder

Eyes: Too Faced Shadow Insurance Primer, UD Midnight Cowboy Rides Again (lid), MAC Smulch & Coppertone (Crease), UD Oilslick (lower otter lid), UD Polyester Bride (Inner corner,tearduct), UD Zero Eyeliner (upper lid), Andrea Modlash #45 Falsies, Mary Kay Ultimate Mascara

Cheeks: Nars: La Dolce Vita & MAC Soft & Gentle MSF

Lips: MIB Lipliner in Red and This lip treatment I Love!

I went to the movies last night to watch Zookeeper with my little cousin Carlitos and Victor, my ex Victor from about five years ago, more on him later.  The movie was fun to watch with LOL moments and a very important universal theme that serves as a reminder for some of us and an eye opener for others.  It's defintely a fun movie to watch with the family or anyone that enjoys a good comedy.   I wasn't able to take any OOTD pictures but I managed to take a snapshot of my face with my phone and a few with my camera. Once I upload those onto my computer I'll udate the post with a more justifying picture of the makeup.

I'm looking forward to watching Captain America, Harry Potter which come out Next Friday. Another movie I'm eager to watch is Cowboys & Aliens only because I'm a fan of Daniel Craig's work and because he's a hottie. And the movie I'm most anticipated abotu watching which will be out in about three weeks on August 5th, Rise of the Planet of the Apes! That movie looks awesome. If you have yet to watch Planet of the Apes I suggest you watch it! It's awesome.

Any movies you've seen or planning to watch soon?