About Me

Monday, November 28, 2011

Not Feeling Upto Much

I hate to say this but ever since I found out I am pregnant my self esteem and my energy took a plummet.  I do not have the energy to do anything or go anywhere.  There are days where I do not want to get out of bed and there are days when all I want to do is lay in bed and watch TV.  I feel so miserable and not up for anything.

I ended up dropping out of one of my classes this semester. And I have a paper due on Wednesday and an exam too.  None of which I am prepared for or have ready.  I don't even have the will to get them started.  I'm barely managing to write this blog because I'm so tired and would rather be sleeping.

So far there is nothing to like or be happy about my pregnancy.  There are days when I am happy and there are other days where I am feeling like today.  I'm overweight, pregnant, and will only keep blowing up.  This is terrible. 

I'm about 10 weeks pregnant now, and until today I really have no idea what morning sickness is really about.  Just this morning I was feeling a little nauseas while making breakfast. I had a sensation of wanting to throw up but then not really.  I hate throwing up!

My feet hurt all the time.  I bought a brand new pair of sheos this weekend and I want to return them now because they just make my feet hurt even more and they're supposed to be "comfort shoes".  I bought another pair of Puma's last night and I'm wanting to return those too because they're a 1/2 size too big and they are starting to hurt as well.

I'm debating on when I should tell upper management about my pregnancy because I'm afraid they'll cast judgement over me and that their behavior towards me will change.  I feel stressed.  I'm not feeling happy.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Unexpectedly Expecting

So much for Birth control...

I was on the Ring when suddenly my period didnt show up as expected after the removal of my ring.  I paid no mind to it and figured it was just something new.  I didn't find anything different in my body until I had a dream one night of a baby girl running through the hall of our apartment and meeting her daddy at the end who received her in open arms and carried her up high in the air. I found the dream extremely out there as I for one, never imagined myself a mother and never once had the desire to even have children of my own.  The a few nights later on my way to schoo from home I notice my nails are rather long and extremely strong. I found that quite odd because I hadn't been taking care of them and had such a hard time getting them to grow again.  That's when it hit me.  I began suspecting I was pregnant and the next morning I took an at home pregnancy test. 

It was around 7:30am when I took the test and saw vertical lines quickly emerge through the screen.  I couldn't beleive it.  I was pregnant.  Instantly I began to cry and felt my life was over.  How could this be? How could I be pregnant! I felt selfish.  I felt selfish at the idea that I was pregnant and was dreading over how my life was going to change and the responsibility I was NOT ready for. A responsibility and life changing event that I was defintely NOT planning toward or expecting.  I felt my life was a disaster and everything went down the drain. 

On my way to work I was tormenting myself on how selfish I had become and how ungrateful I was toward the idea of becoming a mom.  Surely, this pregnancy was not planned and I was not ready by any means but who ever really is ready to become a mother. No matter how much planning may go into a pregnancy, nobody truly ever is ready to become a mother for the first time.  I began to think how ungrateful I was being because of the many people who wish and desire to bear children and find it impossible to do so.  Ungrateful because I was receiving a blessing that many women can't bear have or hold or keep for one reason or another. 

After a day of silence I broke the news to my boyfriend Victor.  He was extremely happy and excited but feard that I would not want to keep this baby because I was not the "motherly type".  I felt guilty.  I didn't have thoughts of abortion but I sure was not happy at thet time I found out.  Victors reaction to the news made me feel a lot more comfortable and ready to take on this new journey because I would not be alone.   I grew up without a father and one thing I didn't want and don't wish is to raise a child without a father.  Mind you, I would if I had but my ideal behind motherhood so far is turning out the way I dreamed.  I have my boyfriends full support and he is currently more happy than I am.  I am slowly getting used to the idea of having a bun in the oven and the idea of watching it rise over time but he is extremely excited and happy. 

Breaking the news to my mom was my first priority.  Victor and I went to Target and bought some baby booties and wrapped them up in a gift and presented it to my mother.  It was funny and beautiful and exhilarating for me opening up to her about my pregnancy.  She was in her room watching novelas when I walked in and said I had a gift for her I didn't know how she would receive.  She responded by saying "Si es chocolate no lo quiero" ("if it's chocolate I dont want it!") I laughed and sat next to her and gave her her present.  She began inspecting it and then reached in and took out the tissue paper covered booties and felt them around until she said "shoes?" and I began tearing up and then she screamed "Baby SHOES, you're pregnant!" and I began Balling. She then said "You're pregnant" and I nodded and she let out a gippy "wooooo hooooooo!" to which I completely broke down in tears. It was beautiful and I still get teary eyed just remembering.  She truly was happy and I guess I was nervous  because I didn't know how she would take it.  I know I shouldn't have been nervous as she's been asking me for some time when I would give her a nephew. She told me not to be nervous that she would take care of me and help me with the baby and offer any advice and that I had nothing to worry about. She is extremely excited.

After breaking the news to my mom I slowly broke the news to my brothers and sisters. One by one, I let them know and finally decided to announce it on FB after notifying my immediate family of the news.  Everyone seems to be extrememly excited except me.

My doctor said it was normal for me not to be ecstatic about it as it was not planned nor was I one to ever have the idea of motherhood last more than a pair of seconds but that it will gradually change over time and I would become more accepting of it.  Today I feel a lot more confident about this baby than I did when I found out 2 weeks ago on Wednesday, November 9th.

My doctor gave me a due date of July 5th.  But my mom says it's more like July 1st lol. We shall see what this pregnancy journey is all about