About Me

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I did it

Wow, as if I'm supposed to feel proud of myself. I did it. I finally did it. Well...not all the way but I met him. I wasn't sure if this was going to happen. On my way to the spot I kept repeating to myself that he wasn't goign to be there. I said to myself, if he's not there this is it. No more tries, nothing. But he was there. I can't tell you exactly how I felt when I arrived. Now as I sit here typing I just can't seem to wipe this smile off my face.

I dont know what it is about him, but being around him just makes me weak. I enjoy being with him. I love his touch. His lips are my favorite and the look in his eyes. I missed his sexual touch.

Although I do have to say this time was a little different. I remember a few years ago I felt all sorts of things and this time it was more about the moment. I guess because then, I was kinda sprung on his ass and today it's more like...I know he wants that from me, and that only, and well, I'm in a relationship, one that I'm not happy in but I'm in it. I feel that if i keep this up, I will start getting emotional again and then shit is gonna hit the fan and I'm going to have to end it for sure with Roger.

The whole drive to the spot was me thinking about will it happen, what will it be like? and will I feel guilty afterwards. At this moment I feel perfectly fine the only thing is that I dont want to see Roger. I dont want to kiss him, I dont want him to touch me because I dont desire it. Ugh. this is so frustrating. I guess now, the only thing to do is wait and see what it's like meeting Roger again. I can already see myself being a bitch and telling him or avoiding his touch.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Is it really gonna happen?

I dont know what's going to happen. But I just set up a "date" lol a 30 min date with my boytoy. lol. No he's def not a boy toy, maybe i'm his toy since he can pretty much have me when he feels like it...well not soo much since he really hasn't had me. Anyway...I guess i'm meeting up with my lustful friend. The one I've been dying to kiss for a long long time (3 1/2 years). Only thing is that I'm doubting myself and wondering if anything will even happen. Hmm...well...he's defintely gonna get some lip action...I can't wait for that....he's the best kisser ever.....

I tell myself that i will jump all over him and just kiss him right then and there but I know that when i actually see him it's going to be a whole different story.

Well, this will be a different birthday thats for sure! Wonder what I'll feel like when I get home?

To Cheat or Not to Cheat

I have a friend that I have some odd feelings for. A friend that was at one piont more than a friend...a friend with benefits I guess. I really liked him then, and I still do today. I dont know what it is about him that has me so intrigued. Normally, I'm over guys that I've dated or had a fling with, but this one's different. I just want more and more from him. I love the deep stare in his eyes, and his lips are amazing. He knows just what to do and how. His kisses linger in my thoughts and the thought just brings goosebumps all over my body. I fantasize about him all the time. And as sad as it sounds, I even imagine it's him I'm being intimate with and not who I'm actually being intimate with. Sometimes I tell myself, he's better off in my fantasies. I'll just keep him there and just dream on and fantasize about all the things we can do together.

I know he wants me, just as much as I want him. I just can't help but think and think and think and eventually I tell myself I would be making a big mistake. I dont want to be intimate with him and then regret it. The worst thing of all is that he turns out to be my BF's boss! Now, i have to deal with them working together. I guess the thought of him telling someone just kills my moment and I tell myself it's something I can't go through with and has to stop. Not only that, but I'm in a relationship! I know it may seem easy, and women do it just as mucha s men do. They cheat, they have affairs, and what not and they go on about their lives as if everything is perfectly fine when in reality they've been untrue.

That's what kills me. I tell myself, and I know myself very well. Enough to know that if I go on with this fling, this infatuation, this lust for a man, that i will regret it. Not only that, but how do I come home, to a man that I know LOVES me, and look him in the eyes! I just can't do it. I would feel so ashamed. I would feel so low. I already do! Because I know i'd be upset if I found out he was talking to a girl, the way I talk with his boss. Iknow women cheat on their boyfrends, their husbands and men do the same. I just dont see how you can come home to your partner and look him in the eye, or sleep in the same bed after you've already slept with another person! I tell myself "Just do it" you don't love him anyway! Well maybe I do nt love him, but I do respect him. I respect myself.

And the craziest thing of all is that I'm the one plotting, and scheming. I'm the one that looks for him. I get these ideas stirred up in my mind and I just jump on instict and shoot him an email, or find ways of communicating with him. The same way I dive in, is the same way I disapear off the map. But I always come back. Always. Everytime I talk to him, I tell myself that I will keep it friendly and not take anything serious but I can't help it. I just get mixed feelings and tossed up emotions. Emotions that I can't control. Each time I talk to him, I feel that my personal relationship hits the shitters! And I try to regain control of the relationship and work things out again. But there I go again, lurking into the realm of lust I have for this man. Why am I so captivated! I get so frustrated with myself. I've never been like this over a guy, I mean...I'm not in love with him, I just have this burning desire to be with him, to kiss him, and feel his hands on me and his lips over mine.


Monday, July 27, 2009

Breaking up ain't easy

Last night I tried talking to Roger and telling him I'm not all that happy anymore. I know couples have their ups and downs and that not all relationships are perfect. Sometimes I question myself "What am I doing here" and I can't seem to figure that out. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not In Love anymore. I love Roger but I feel that I am no longer In Love with him. Each time I try to tell him, I break down. I can't even get the words out of my mouth because I get such a big knot in my throat. The look on his face just breaks my heart. It's as if he knows or anticipates what I'm about to tell him, yet he is wishing the words don't come out. That's why I just stay quiet. The thought of hurting him kills me inside. Why is it so diffcult to let go and move on? I feel so bad when I see the look on his face. I know he loves me and I do love him too but sometimes I feel I love myself more. But I care so much for him, that I dont want to break his heart. I know that sounds very stupid of me, because the more I keep this up, the bigger the heartbreak will be in the end. How long will I keep this up for? How long.

I dont know what it is about me and relationships. I tend to fall out of love or just get bored and then I can't stand the guy! And when I am completely miserable by their side, I just can't figure out the way to just Up and Leave! I always wait for something to happen, an excuse to come up! But when I can't come up with one, life just gets so miserable for me!

At times, I'm very happy with him, with not a care in the world. But then I start noticing other couples around me, my sister and her husband, and just other couples in general and I observe the way they look at eachother, the way they glare at eachother. I can literally see the spark in their eyes when they see each other. I dont have that anymore. I dont feel butterflies when he kisses me, and I dont get the chilly willies with his touch anymore. I'm not turned on, and I dont find interest in him anymore! I still dont' understand why I'm here. Why can't I just say, "It's Over, this is not working out, I'm not in lOve" Why!?