About Me

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

To Cheat or Not to Cheat

I have a friend that I have some odd feelings for. A friend that was at one piont more than a friend...a friend with benefits I guess. I really liked him then, and I still do today. I dont know what it is about him that has me so intrigued. Normally, I'm over guys that I've dated or had a fling with, but this one's different. I just want more and more from him. I love the deep stare in his eyes, and his lips are amazing. He knows just what to do and how. His kisses linger in my thoughts and the thought just brings goosebumps all over my body. I fantasize about him all the time. And as sad as it sounds, I even imagine it's him I'm being intimate with and not who I'm actually being intimate with. Sometimes I tell myself, he's better off in my fantasies. I'll just keep him there and just dream on and fantasize about all the things we can do together.

I know he wants me, just as much as I want him. I just can't help but think and think and think and eventually I tell myself I would be making a big mistake. I dont want to be intimate with him and then regret it. The worst thing of all is that he turns out to be my BF's boss! Now, i have to deal with them working together. I guess the thought of him telling someone just kills my moment and I tell myself it's something I can't go through with and has to stop. Not only that, but I'm in a relationship! I know it may seem easy, and women do it just as mucha s men do. They cheat, they have affairs, and what not and they go on about their lives as if everything is perfectly fine when in reality they've been untrue.

That's what kills me. I tell myself, and I know myself very well. Enough to know that if I go on with this fling, this infatuation, this lust for a man, that i will regret it. Not only that, but how do I come home, to a man that I know LOVES me, and look him in the eyes! I just can't do it. I would feel so ashamed. I would feel so low. I already do! Because I know i'd be upset if I found out he was talking to a girl, the way I talk with his boss. Iknow women cheat on their boyfrends, their husbands and men do the same. I just dont see how you can come home to your partner and look him in the eye, or sleep in the same bed after you've already slept with another person! I tell myself "Just do it" you don't love him anyway! Well maybe I do nt love him, but I do respect him. I respect myself.

And the craziest thing of all is that I'm the one plotting, and scheming. I'm the one that looks for him. I get these ideas stirred up in my mind and I just jump on instict and shoot him an email, or find ways of communicating with him. The same way I dive in, is the same way I disapear off the map. But I always come back. Always. Everytime I talk to him, I tell myself that I will keep it friendly and not take anything serious but I can't help it. I just get mixed feelings and tossed up emotions. Emotions that I can't control. Each time I talk to him, I feel that my personal relationship hits the shitters! And I try to regain control of the relationship and work things out again. But there I go again, lurking into the realm of lust I have for this man. Why am I so captivated! I get so frustrated with myself. I've never been like this over a guy, I mean...I'm not in love with him, I just have this burning desire to be with him, to kiss him, and feel his hands on me and his lips over mine.


No comments: