Last night I tried talking to Roger and telling him I'm not all that happy anymore. I know couples have their ups and downs and that not all relationships are perfect. Sometimes I question myself "What am I doing here" and I can't seem to figure that out. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not In Love anymore. I love Roger but I feel that I am no longer In Love with him. Each time I try to tell him, I break down. I can't even get the words out of my mouth because I get such a big knot in my throat. The look on his face just breaks my heart. It's as if he knows or anticipates what I'm about to tell him, yet he is wishing the words don't come out. That's why I just stay quiet. The thought of hurting him kills me inside. Why is it so diffcult to let go and move on? I feel so bad when I see the look on his face. I know he loves me and I do love him too but sometimes I feel I love myself more. But I care so much for him, that I dont want to break his heart. I know that sounds very stupid of me, because the more I keep this up, the bigger the heartbreak will be in the end. How long will I keep this up for? How long.
I dont know what it is about me and relationships. I tend to fall out of love or just get bored and then I can't stand the guy! And when I am completely miserable by their side, I just can't figure out the way to just Up and Leave! I always wait for something to happen, an excuse to come up! But when I can't come up with one, life just gets so miserable for me!
At times, I'm very happy with him, with not a care in the world. But then I start noticing other couples around me, my sister and her husband, and just other couples in general and I observe the way they look at eachother, the way they glare at eachother. I can literally see the spark in their eyes when they see each other. I dont have that anymore. I dont feel butterflies when he kisses me, and I dont get the chilly willies with his touch anymore. I'm not turned on, and I dont find interest in him anymore! I still dont' understand why I'm here. Why can't I just say, "It's Over, this is not working out, I'm not in lOve" Why!?