CONTRADICTION

I am one confused person right now. I am so frustrated beacuse I love being alone. I enjoy being with me, myself, and I. Doing as I please with not a care in the world. With not a worry that I have to cook or clean, or wash someone's clothes other than my own! Freedom is a beautiful thing.

Yet, you're alone and you long for someone to hold, to love, to kiss and to touch. I just dont get it. We women really are never happy (and same goes for men). You want one thing, you get it, and you want something else. I just dont understand.

I feel that I just reached a fork in the middle of a long road and I have to take a path. I want to go one direction, but then I'm afraid I will want to walk back and take the 2nd and find out what it holds.

I'm in a relationship where I dont feel 100% happy. Obviously, since I'm looking for excitement and spark in someone else. I want to leave him so bad but then I stop and think and something stupid inside me holds me back from just leaving! The thought of being around him is just pissing me off right now, I dont want to see him, touch him, or even look at him. I just want to be left alone, and do as I please. The spark is not there anymore, why am I there?? I tell myself that I want it to be over, that it has to be over, yet I stay. I just dont' get it. What do I want! Do I want to leave? Do I want to stay?

I guess the thought of starting all over is what scares me the most. I tell myself each and everytime that this time, I will do things so differently. I won't jump in right away and I'll take my time, live life, travel, do things I really want to do and love and just spend time on myself. I wonder if I will get that chance? I shouldn't have to wonder, I should give myself that chance to just be free and live! But will I? Contradiction is a terrible thing, I hate to want something and not go after it because of this or that!! I want it, yet I dont go for it, because Im scared of being lonely! WTF!!