So where do I start with this one? Okay, well I will start off by saying that I really thought Sunday was it and we had ended our relationship. We were driving to San Jose, and the ride to was a very quiet one. He was quiet, I was quiet. We didn’t exchange words; it’s almost as if I was driving alone. Only it feels much better being alone than driving somewhere with someone you can’t even speak with. It was really awkward.
I guess he didn’t like it much so he started to tell me to tell him what I feel. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore so I just let him have it. I told him I was not in love with him anymore and that I only cared for him as a friend. I told him I loved him, but was not IN love with him. We turned around and headed back home. He said he was going to leave and so I felt a big lift off my shoulders. All this time I have been holding back on what I feel and how I feel about him and I felt as if I was getting a fresh start.
Well turns out it was not like that at all. We end up getting home only for him to tell me he wanted to work it out. What is there to work out when you are not in Love anymore? I mean, I don’t want to be mean but I just don’t love him anymore and I tried breaking it off, I was honest and I told him how I felt. But I guess his love is really strong and he wants to work it out. I told him I would try, but couldn’t guarantee anything. I am only going to give this a while and if things are just not looking up for me, then I can’t keep sacrificing myself for him. It’s not fear for me, that because I don’t love him and don’t want to hurt him I stay unhappy in this relationship. It’s already unfair as it is, I tried dropping this and he insists to try again. I know that by caring out this relationship longer with no love on my part will only end up hurting him even more, but that’s a risk he’s willing to take.
You know, this feels awful. I feel awful knowing I have a man at home who is head over heels in love with me and I don’t feel the same way for him. It’s just not fear. I remember I felt like that for him in the beginning and he would brush me off as if he didn’t care for my feelings much. Now it’s the other way around and he now feels what I once felt. Not that I’m doing it on purpose, but it just really does go to show that what comes around goes around or vise versa. Karma is a bitch, and I know that I have felt that way before but I’m trying my best to somehow end this on good terms. After all, I do care for him, I just don’t love him like he does me.