September 10th, 2010. He said he was falling in love with me. How could this be. I ask myself and I wonder if this is possible. I have been wanting to meet him for the past 9 months and it seems as though the time to meet him might be approaching sooner than I had expected.
I almost lost interest, well no. I wouldn't say I lost interest, but I started to become hopeless in the idea of actually meeting the Parole Officer one day. I have been talkign to him for 9 months now and he refuses to meet up with me when we live in the same town and all.
I know a lot of women must think I'm quite the fool for continuing this "relationship" I have with the Parole Officer, but other women don't know what I do and they dont feel what I do. I never really had this heart/gut feeling about a guy like I do with him. Maybe it's because he seems like my true prince charming and I fall into that fairytale of a dream, being swept off my feet by this wonderful guy and build a life with. But then I step back into reality and realise how scared I am.
I have already been in two relationships. One lated 2 1/2 years and the other 3 years. At one point I realised I didnt' see the rest of my life with either one of my exes, and well...they became just that. I try to look back on my relationships and I feel nothing for my exes. My first ex, Victor I have a lot of love for, and he's like a shoulder to cry on and a good friend and nothing more. He really loved me and I loved him but he just wasn't the man of my dreams and therefore we split. Roger, I dont know what the hell I was thinking when I was with him. I changed so much for him and although I dont have regrets, I really really dont understand why I put up with him for 3 years. I was truly blinded by him. Although we ended the relationship on good terms, I really dont care talking to him, following up, or just having anything to do with him. He was a phony. A total fake. A fraud. And for that, I feel this annoying feeling toward him. I get annoyed at myself for even allowing myself to have been with him for so long. Anyway...that's all said and done. I guess my point here is, and what I'm trying to say is I've never been in love.
Well, yes. I have been. I've only been in love once, and that was with my frist boyfriend ever. He truly swept me off my feet and I do got lots of love for him today. We still talk, communicate, and hook up from time to time for coffee and chit chat. Nothing more. He's married, he knows all about my ex's and my flings and he's never been one to judge me. I know he loves me just like I love him and it's a beautiful friendship we have. Sometimes I wonder if he's my soulmate and if we'll end up together in another lifetime since we didn't make it together in this one. Although it is to soon to say we didn't make it together, becasause for all I know, we can hook up 20 years from now. This life is crazy.
Anyway. I've never loved a guy the way I loved Noe. And I'm not trying to make comparisons here, but I've never felt a love and pain for a guy the way I did for him.
I want to feel that again. I want to be swept off my feet by a guy. I want to have a beautiful loving relationshop. I want to fall in love and stay in love and fall in love all over again with the same guy. I want to feel that fire, those butterflies, and passion. I dont want it to be temporary, and I dont want it to go away once you end up living together. I really want to love and be loved. I want to feel appreciated by a man and I want to know what it feels like to be truly loved and not just LOVE somebody.
I told myself this time I'd do everything so different. I've moved in with my two ex boyfriends too quick into the relationship and maybe that's why they ended fast too. I tell myself this time I'm going to take it super slow. I'm really going to let myself be known and get to know somebody. I'm going to question if it's actually someone I continue seeing myself with and if not, then move on. I dont want to waste anyone's time or mine. I want to know what it feels like to just KNOW you want to be with someone for the rest of your life and I want to know what the thought of living without someone in your life feels like. I want to feel that certainty of not seeing myself with anyone else but that one guy.
I know this is crazy, but sometimes I feel like the Parole Officer just might be that guy. He said he's falling for me, and until he told me that did I begin to feel nervous. I have been trying to meet this guy for so long and he finally tells me he's falling for me. I'm scared. I know I'm going to take the risk, meet him eventually and see where things go, but in general...I'm scared. I dont want to be in and out of relationshiops my whole life. I want to marry someone one day, have kids, and settle down, and build a future and a family with someone I know loves me for me and wont ever leave me, cheat on me. I just want someone to respect me like I will respect them.
Sometimes I am afraid that I'm the one that doesn't know how to love. Sometimes I wonder if all my life I'll be in and out of relationships and if I'll keep falling out of love with guys. I wonder and wonder all the more and then I tell myself, I'll keep falling out of love with them until the right guy comes along who'll make me fall in love all over again.
I wonder what will be of the Parole Officer. He truly seems like Prince Charming and I'm his Cinderella.
For now, I'll end it here...but I have so much on my mind and need to let it out.