Yesterday, I asked him to take a chance on me so we can meet and get to know each other in person and he said No. I can't begin to explain just how I felt. My ego was shattered. I felt as I had my heart broken yet I'm not in love.
All this time I told myself he was too good to be true, and that he was just too good for me. I know I'm not supposed to ever place anyone above me but he was truly my prince charming. He had it all. I began to feel like he wasn't for me after I got to know him better. He's the type of guy that was brought up in a good home and had a nice living growing up where I on the other hand, grew up poor and even lived in a car at one point in my life.
I'd often tell him we were from two different worlds. I was the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up humble and poor and he was raised in a good home and had a nice up bringing. Prom King at his school, water polo and football jockey too. And me, getting kicked out of High SChools and barely even completing my education. Although I do not regret my upbrining and am not ashamed to say how I grew up and how broke my family was, I tend to feel intimidated by men who had a better upbringing than I did. Now I'm not saying they are better than me, I'm just saying I find it intimidating from a personal perspective on how to react or interact with these poeple.
This whole time I'm talking to him I'm beginning to feel emotions for him and grow feelings for a guy I've never even met. We're from the same town, and for all I know could possibly bump into him in a store or on the street someday and won't even know it. He said I had a lot of qualities he liked and that I wasn't like other girls and that he liked me, yet he never took a chance to get to know me and today I beleive he never will. He'll always remian a fairytale fantasy and I'll continue to be the hopeless romantic I am today.
All this time I'm thinking I'm Cinderella and he's my prince. Well Cinderella hasn't found her prince yet, but I'm not going to settle either. He's the true epiphany of the man I want. He's educated, has a career established, no kids, open minded, funny, smart & dumb (my kind of funnY) and doesn't let me have my way which I hate and love at the same time. I hate it because if it was upto me, I would have met him a long time ago, but since it's not upto me I probably never wil meet him now.
Yesterday we kind of got into it. I swear everytime we argue or dont agree on something it feels as though I'm having an argument with a boyfriend and I hate it. I just told him to give me strait answers. I've been talking to him for 8 months and I just wanted to know if I should get my head out of the clouds because I felt I was just being strung along and I just needed to know where he stood. Well, he said the way it was, was working for him fine and if it didn't work for me then I could move on because he didn't want to waste my time.
Okay. So after a big let down, I figured maybe Hitman came into my life at the perfect moment. I feel heart broken over a guy I have never even met, and now the only way I know to releive that heartache (or dissapointment) is by distracting myself with another guy and what better guy than Hitman?
Their's a spanish saying "Un clavo saca a otro clavo." Basically it translates to "one nail, takes out another" and what that means is since The Parole officer is nailed in deep, the only way to get him out from under is by tapping him out with another nail. That nail being Hitman. Now I know it's not the right thing to do. Trying to get over one guy with another is probably the worst thing to do because I'm setting Hitman up for failure, but right now...it seems like the only thing I can do to really get the Parole Officer out of my mind and maybe rid these ridiculous emotions I managed to somehow work up inside for this beautiful stranger.
Now the question is what to do. The Parole Officer pretty much left the ball on my court and said it was upto me to continue talking. Now I'm not going to completely rid him from my life, I already did that mistake a few months ago and I felt horrible. I will defintely give myself some time and maybe just keep a little distance and possibly continue talking but now I knwo where I stand with him and I'm not letting or allowing myself to work up any further emotion for him. It is what it is and that is that. I'm going to live my life, focus on school, continue dating and enjoy myself and not hold back on others for him. In the end, I dont want to end up like this old hag waiting on him...