Follow Your Dreams

So easy to say, yet difficult to accomplish. 

I am working nine to five at a winery and for an employer I am no longer happy in.  If I could, I'd quit and be in school full time.  I have been here for three and a half years and I am fed up.  I am fed up of coming to work and having nothing to do, no challenges, no inspiration, no work.  Sure, to many this would seem like the ideal job. Come to work and get paid to do nothing.  It's nice from time to time but like everything, in due time it gets old.

I have been searching and looking for other opportunities and the economy is bad.  I hesitate about applying in other places because I know I will be taking a serious pay cut but now I'm really considering it.  I rather get paid less and do something I love or at least enjoy than get paid bick bucks to do something or nothing at all that interests me.

I dont even like wine for god's sake.

I feel like an outkast sometimes.  I'm here working amongst poeple I have no common interests with.  Everyone around here always talks about golfing and drinking wine. I rather talk about tequila shots and the Lakers.

I'm the youngest adult in the building, I've been casted off to a little corner office and I feel isolated from humanity. I'm so glad school has started  because I get more interaction with people. This really really sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of being a duck sitting in water. I need to find a new job even if it means getting paid a lot less. I figure I rather find something local, maybe get paid less but avoid spending as much on gas which could even things out.

Then again I worry.

I worry because my mother is older now and having her live with  me is awesome. It's been a great help to both of us when it comes to saving money and sharing bills. I worry because she's just turned 59 and she's tired. I'm tired for her.  I'm tired of seeing her work and work and work. She doesn't need to be working anymore.  She's also up for surgery again. Two surgeries.  I'm actually taking her to the Dr today. I'm going to try and convince him to disable her permanently. She doesn't need to be working anymore, it's time she just relax. She's worked enough.

I worry because this job pays so well and I have been sticking it through for that reason. Now that my mother is home and we share bills I figure I could possibly get a part time job and do more full time education to finish faster but my worry is not making enough to care for the two of us.  Right now I can support her and I off my salary but if I chose to leave and take a pay cut I worry we won't cut it and that's when I'm stuck between the wall and a blade.

I have given up so much and I dont want to be miserable and regret things later in life.  Sure I'm happy, but I'm not completely happy and this job is making me miserable.  Sometimes I wish they'd fire me. I ask myself why I even come to work if I dont do much around here.  Last week we were told there were some facilities being shut down and one facility downsized their staff by half.  I was hoping they'd do some restructuring here and even eliminate my position so I can get unemployment and go to school.

I have been working since I was fourteen years old and the I only used unemployment for a week when I was 18 because I found a job in a heartbeat. Since then I have been employed and now with the economy the way it is and the lack of jobs I figure why not just get unemployment, find a part time job, and go to school full time.  If only things were as easy.  I dont want to get fired because I dont want to ever say that on an application, plus it's just not the way to leave a company. I dont want to be remembered as a girl that was fired.

I'm just venting, throwing a rant. I don't know what will happen, but right now I'm going to do some job hunting. I'm not one to settle, but I've already spent 3 years settled at this place, I'm sure I can settle for something better than this and that will make me happy and with a little more challege.  Maybe this job is the reason for so much stress and procrastination. I dont have the energy to do anything because I dont do much as it is at work and all t hat is taken home with me. I don't need this anymore. I'd quit right now if I could, but I can't. I'm not financially stable and I need a job to survive unlike others who solely rely on their parents or have their full parents support. My mother supports my decisions, but I'm not about to rely on her paycheck, we'd  be screwed specially if she's disabled which I'm hoping for because she sholdn't be working anymore.

So you see, I have so many goals and aspirations I want to accomplish and so many dreams to follow, yet I'm stuck in a rut because I have obligations to meet. It's so easy to say follow your dreams until you are forced to do otherwise because of one reason or another. Needless to say, I'm still following them and I'll be chasing them for god knows how long but I'll catch them eventually, that I guarantee.