Breakup Fail

Once again. I tell him I dont love him. I tell him that I dont want to waste his time. I tell him I dont want to lead him on. I tell him I am not happy. I tell him that things are just not the same. I tell him he's too late. I tell him I want to be alone. I tell him I am not in love anymore. I tell him I don't want to be with him.

He say's he loves me. He say's he can make me happy. He says he can make it work. He say's if only I try.

I have tried!

He realized too late.

I just want to be alone. Go to school, focus on me myself and I. No more relationships. No more boyfriends. No more feelings of love and affection. Just want to be me, do me, and live my life.

I'm tired of being with him. Yet he doesn't understand.

Hey There Delilah

I can't get him out of my head. Each time I hear this song I think back to that morning when his lips were pressed against mine. When his eyes stroked my body, and his cool soft hands stroked my skin. I'm sure he probably doesn't recall, but I love that song, and now that I listen to it all I think of his kisses on that cool, late summer morning.

I love that song. I would feel so good and special if someone wrote a song like that about me. Makes me think and wonder how strong the feelings were for the songwriter to be inspired to write that song. It's a great song, great tune and beat and its perfect.

It's bittersweet for me, listening to that song. I just think of this boy that I can't get out of my mind, but always wonder if I even cross his. Not only that, but it saddens me because I'm stuck in a relationship and I remember feeling just like the song describes and today it just saddens me that I have an empty feeling inside.

Relationships are like Jobs

As I sit here, staring out the window into the vinyards I was thinking back to a piece of the movie Funny Poeple and how I was able to relate to the woman who wanted to leave her husband. Anyway...my point here is. Relationships are just like jobs. You are trying so hard to make an impression, you work hard at getting that job, the job here would be getting the girl. Once you get that job, you work really hard at getting the promotion. The promotion in this case is possibly moving in, but once you move in and you have that promotion its all good and dandy. You reached your goal and you don't really have anything much to aspire to because you figure you have what you want and you got what you need. Little did you know you are pretty much letting your boss down because you're set right.

Well, if you boss would have known your ass was going to settle I'm sure they would not have hired you. Your boss wants you to keep that motivation and strive forward and keep looking forward to your job and your position, this case...your relationship.

Why is that men alike women try so hard to get "in" and once you get what you want you just stop. You show one face at the very beginning doing all you can to charm the hell out of your girl/boy and then once you are in a relationship its over. No more dates, no more excitement, no more adventure, it's all gone. It's like all the sparks died. Maybe that's why I try to find a spark in someone, since my light is pretty much burnt out.

Anyway, and just like a job, when you know you are fucking up and you know that you are in trouble or you have that gut feeling that you are about to get fired or replace then you get your engines going and then you try to fix the problems. You try to make up for all the lost time and all the slacking off. But only when you know you are at risk of losing your job. In this case, when you fear you are about to get dumped. All of a sudden you feel like taking her out on dates, all of a sudden you want to travel, dine, and have fun! Do you really think your boss is gonna put up with that shit, only so you can work your way in again, feel safe and slack off again!? NOPE! It's like they give you a warning, a second warning, a final warning, you get suspended and then your fired. I think men alike women, shouldn't even get a warning, I think the warning is just a sign that the relationship is probably not going to work out and maybe it should be more of a red flag to you and you should dump his/her ass hence...FIRE your employee.

Next time around, come screenings and interviews be sure not to make the same mistake twice!

You see how relationships are like jobs?!

CONTRADICTION

I am one confused person right now. I am so frustrated beacuse I love being alone. I enjoy being with me, myself, and I. Doing as I please with not a care in the world. With not a worry that I have to cook or clean, or wash someone's clothes other than my own! Freedom is a beautiful thing.

Yet, you're alone and you long for someone to hold, to love, to kiss and to touch. I just dont get it. We women really are never happy (and same goes for men). You want one thing, you get it, and you want something else. I just dont understand.

I feel that I just reached a fork in the middle of a long road and I have to take a path. I want to go one direction, but then I'm afraid I will want to walk back and take the 2nd and find out what it holds.

I'm in a relationship where I dont feel 100% happy. Obviously, since I'm looking for excitement and spark in someone else. I want to leave him so bad but then I stop and think and something stupid inside me holds me back from just leaving! The thought of being around him is just pissing me off right now, I dont want to see him, touch him, or even look at him. I just want to be left alone, and do as I please. The spark is not there anymore, why am I there?? I tell myself that I want it to be over, that it has to be over, yet I stay. I just dont' get it. What do I want! Do I want to leave? Do I want to stay?

I guess the thought of starting all over is what scares me the most. I tell myself each and everytime that this time, I will do things so differently. I won't jump in right away and I'll take my time, live life, travel, do things I really want to do and love and just spend time on myself. I wonder if I will get that chance? I shouldn't have to wonder, I should give myself that chance to just be free and live! But will I? Contradiction is a terrible thing, I hate to want something and not go after it because of this or that!! I want it, yet I dont go for it, because Im scared of being lonely! WTF!!

I'M NOT IN LOVE

So where do I start with this one? Okay, well I will start off by saying that I really thought Sunday was it and we had ended our relationship. We were driving to San Jose, and the ride to was a very quiet one. He was quiet, I was quiet. We didn’t exchange words; it’s almost as if I was driving alone. Only it feels much better being alone than driving somewhere with someone you can’t even speak with. It was really awkward.

I guess he didn’t like it much so he started to tell me to tell him what I feel. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore so I just let him have it. I told him I was not in love with him anymore and that I only cared for him as a friend. I told him I loved him, but was not IN love with him. We turned around and headed back home. He said he was going to leave and so I felt a big lift off my shoulders. All this time I have been holding back on what I feel and how I feel about him and I felt as if I was getting a fresh start.

Well turns out it was not like that at all. We end up getting home only for him to tell me he wanted to work it out. What is there to work out when you are not in Love anymore? I mean, I don’t want to be mean but I just don’t love him anymore and I tried breaking it off, I was honest and I told him how I felt. But I guess his love is really strong and he wants to work it out. I told him I would try, but couldn’t guarantee anything. I am only going to give this a while and if things are just not looking up for me, then I can’t keep sacrificing myself for him. It’s not fear for me, that because I don’t love him and don’t want to hurt him I stay unhappy in this relationship. It’s already unfair as it is, I tried dropping this and he insists to try again. I know that by caring out this relationship longer with no love on my part will only end up hurting him even more, but that’s a risk he’s willing to take.

You know, this feels awful. I feel awful knowing I have a man at home who is head over heels in love with me and I don’t feel the same way for him. It’s just not fear. I remember I felt like that for him in the beginning and he would brush me off as if he didn’t care for my feelings much. Now it’s the other way around and he now feels what I once felt. Not that I’m doing it on purpose, but it just really does go to show that what comes around goes around or vise versa. Karma is a bitch, and I know that I have felt that way before but I’m trying my best to somehow end this on good terms. After all, I do care for him, I just don’t love him like he does me.

I did it

Wow, as if I'm supposed to feel proud of myself. I did it. I finally did it. Well...not all the way but I met him. I wasn't sure if this was going to happen. On my way to the spot I kept repeating to myself that he wasn't goign to be there. I said to myself, if he's not there this is it. No more tries, nothing. But he was there. I can't tell you exactly how I felt when I arrived. Now as I sit here typing I just can't seem to wipe this smile off my face.

I dont know what it is about him, but being around him just makes me weak. I enjoy being with him. I love his touch. His lips are my favorite and the look in his eyes. I missed his sexual touch.

Although I do have to say this time was a little different. I remember a few years ago I felt all sorts of things and this time it was more about the moment. I guess because then, I was kinda sprung on his ass and today it's more like...I know he wants that from me, and that only, and well, I'm in a relationship, one that I'm not happy in but I'm in it. I feel that if i keep this up, I will start getting emotional again and then shit is gonna hit the fan and I'm going to have to end it for sure with Roger.

The whole drive to the spot was me thinking about will it happen, what will it be like? and will I feel guilty afterwards. At this moment I feel perfectly fine the only thing is that I dont want to see Roger. I dont want to kiss him, I dont want him to touch me because I dont desire it. Ugh. this is so frustrating. I guess now, the only thing to do is wait and see what it's like meeting Roger again. I can already see myself being a bitch and telling him or avoiding his touch.

Is it really gonna happen?

I dont know what's going to happen. But I just set up a "date" lol a 30 min date with my boytoy. lol. No he's def not a boy toy, maybe i'm his toy since he can pretty much have me when he feels like it...well not soo much since he really hasn't had me. Anyway...I guess i'm meeting up with my lustful friend. The one I've been dying to kiss for a long long time (3 1/2 years). Only thing is that I'm doubting myself and wondering if anything will even happen. Hmm...well...he's defintely gonna get some lip action...I can't wait for that....he's the best kisser ever.....

I tell myself that i will jump all over him and just kiss him right then and there but I know that when i actually see him it's going to be a whole different story.

Well, this will be a different birthday thats for sure! Wonder what I'll feel like when I get home?

To Cheat or Not to Cheat

I have a friend that I have some odd feelings for. A friend that was at one piont more than a friend...a friend with benefits I guess. I really liked him then, and I still do today. I dont know what it is about him that has me so intrigued. Normally, I'm over guys that I've dated or had a fling with, but this one's different. I just want more and more from him. I love the deep stare in his eyes, and his lips are amazing. He knows just what to do and how. His kisses linger in my thoughts and the thought just brings goosebumps all over my body. I fantasize about him all the time. And as sad as it sounds, I even imagine it's him I'm being intimate with and not who I'm actually being intimate with. Sometimes I tell myself, he's better off in my fantasies. I'll just keep him there and just dream on and fantasize about all the things we can do together.

I know he wants me, just as much as I want him. I just can't help but think and think and think and eventually I tell myself I would be making a big mistake. I dont want to be intimate with him and then regret it. The worst thing of all is that he turns out to be my BF's boss! Now, i have to deal with them working together. I guess the thought of him telling someone just kills my moment and I tell myself it's something I can't go through with and has to stop. Not only that, but I'm in a relationship! I know it may seem easy, and women do it just as mucha s men do. They cheat, they have affairs, and what not and they go on about their lives as if everything is perfectly fine when in reality they've been untrue.

That's what kills me. I tell myself, and I know myself very well. Enough to know that if I go on with this fling, this infatuation, this lust for a man, that i will regret it. Not only that, but how do I come home, to a man that I know LOVES me, and look him in the eyes! I just can't do it. I would feel so ashamed. I would feel so low. I already do! Because I know i'd be upset if I found out he was talking to a girl, the way I talk with his boss. Iknow women cheat on their boyfrends, their husbands and men do the same. I just dont see how you can come home to your partner and look him in the eye, or sleep in the same bed after you've already slept with another person! I tell myself "Just do it" you don't love him anyway! Well maybe I do nt love him, but I do respect him. I respect myself.

And the craziest thing of all is that I'm the one plotting, and scheming. I'm the one that looks for him. I get these ideas stirred up in my mind and I just jump on instict and shoot him an email, or find ways of communicating with him. The same way I dive in, is the same way I disapear off the map. But I always come back. Always. Everytime I talk to him, I tell myself that I will keep it friendly and not take anything serious but I can't help it. I just get mixed feelings and tossed up emotions. Emotions that I can't control. Each time I talk to him, I feel that my personal relationship hits the shitters! And I try to regain control of the relationship and work things out again. But there I go again, lurking into the realm of lust I have for this man. Why am I so captivated! I get so frustrated with myself. I've never been like this over a guy, I mean...I'm not in love with him, I just have this burning desire to be with him, to kiss him, and feel his hands on me and his lips over mine.

UGHHH!!!

Breaking up ain't easy

Last night I tried talking to Roger and telling him I'm not all that happy anymore. I know couples have their ups and downs and that not all relationships are perfect. Sometimes I question myself "What am I doing here" and I can't seem to figure that out. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not In Love anymore. I love Roger but I feel that I am no longer In Love with him. Each time I try to tell him, I break down. I can't even get the words out of my mouth because I get such a big knot in my throat. The look on his face just breaks my heart. It's as if he knows or anticipates what I'm about to tell him, yet he is wishing the words don't come out. That's why I just stay quiet. The thought of hurting him kills me inside. Why is it so diffcult to let go and move on? I feel so bad when I see the look on his face. I know he loves me and I do love him too but sometimes I feel I love myself more. But I care so much for him, that I dont want to break his heart. I know that sounds very stupid of me, because the more I keep this up, the bigger the heartbreak will be in the end. How long will I keep this up for? How long.

I dont know what it is about me and relationships. I tend to fall out of love or just get bored and then I can't stand the guy! And when I am completely miserable by their side, I just can't figure out the way to just Up and Leave! I always wait for something to happen, an excuse to come up! But when I can't come up with one, life just gets so miserable for me!

At times, I'm very happy with him, with not a care in the world. But then I start noticing other couples around me, my sister and her husband, and just other couples in general and I observe the way they look at eachother, the way they glare at eachother. I can literally see the spark in their eyes when they see each other. I dont have that anymore. I dont feel butterflies when he kisses me, and I dont get the chilly willies with his touch anymore. I'm not turned on, and I dont find interest in him anymore! I still dont' understand why I'm here. Why can't I just say, "It's Over, this is not working out, I'm not in lOve" Why!?